Dysfunction & Heartache (Paperback) | Released: 01 Jun 2006

Since I felt I was a whore, I began to act like one. This was my way of lashing out, but I was not hurting anyone but myself. I was depressed and suicidal and this was my revenge for the men who took advantage of me. I stayed in the house for a few weeks and collected my thoughts. Outside of going to work, I did not leave the house for any reason. Roland began to suspect something was wrong, but he never pressured me about anything. My mother was back in Brooklyn taking Lance home. She really liked Talique and wanted me to become involved with him. Talique was sweet and I really liked him. He would walk me home from work with Roland all the time. When he bought pizza for the kids on the block I was hooked. I wanted to get to know him, but once I was raped I did not want him. I did not feel I deserved a nice man like him. I did not think I deserved anything but the garbage I was being dealt. I loved him, but my hurting heart would not allow me to show him. I was raped, yet again, and he deserved better than me. To me, I was doing him a favor by leaving him and hooking up with a boy named Tony Piper. Tony was nice, but I did not care about that. He was not what I wanted, but he was what I deserved. I thought I would make myself pay for the dishonor other men had bestowed on me by just drowning myself in sex with Tony. Since this is the ONLY man I gave myself to freely, I considered that my 'first time'. This was my way of disobeying God and showing him that I can control my life and any man I want to have I can have without permission. Oh, how diluted my thinking was. How much pain and suffering I was going through. What I needed was Jesus, but I could not see that until my life began to get out of control. I felt I was punishing him for all the wrong the men of the world had put on me, but I was the only one suffering. The longer I was with Tony, the more I contemplated suicide. I wondered if he would have mourned me like Talique would have. I often wondered if any of them would have mourned me the way this man would have. Once I came to the conclusion that what I was doing was wrong, I broke it off with Tony. It had been three weeks and all we did was have sex. He never asked me any questions about how I was feeling or even if I wanted to be with him. It was always about the sex. This I did not want or need. I needed to feel loved, to be loved unconditionally, to be free, to be me, and to cry when I wanted to, when I needed to. That was what I needed and only Talique could give that to me. Or could he? When I left Talique, I broke his heart. I did not mean to do that, but I did. If only he could have understood what I was going through at the time, I am sure he would have not wanted me anyhow. How wrong I was. This man loved me. He loved me in every sense of the word and if I told him what had happened to me he would have killed Callum. Maybe that is the reason why I did not tell him or Roland. I did not want or need a big fight because then everyone would have known and I would have put a lot of people in danger. My Uncles, my friends and my family would have been affected by what I let happen to me. This I could not bear. I wanted to make Tony pay for all the wrong others had done to me. I realized that I was the only one paying the price. There was a man that introduced me to his family, walked me home from work every day, and was always at my house to spend time with me. He even took me clothes shopping because he knew I loved miniskirts. He was everything I ever wanted, but did not deserve. I was so messed up in the head, but once I talked to God I knew I had made a mistake. I would sit in my room in the dark every day, waiting to hear from God. I demanded an explanation for all the hurt and pain I had to endure and was not going anywhere until I received it. It never came, or maybe it did, but I was too angry and hurt to pay attention.