A step-by-step guide to help both victims of emotional abuse and their abusers escape unhealthy patterns originating from childhood abuse and neglect
In the second edition of The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing, internationally recognized therapist Beverly Engel walks readers through a proven program designed to help readers get to the core of their unhealthy behavior patterns.
This book was written specifically for two types of couples—those who mutually abuse each other and those with abusive partners who are willing to honestly look at themselves to and make the necessary changes to stop abusing. Unique among books of this type, Engel focuses on both the abused person and the abuser, offering non-judgmental advice to both groups. She offers effective strategies, techniques, and information to end abusive behaviors, including:
- Why some people are attracted to abusive people and vice versa
- Patterns created from childhood neglect and abuse and how to break them
- Determining if you or your partner suffers from a personality disorder such as Narcissism or Borderline Personality Disorder
- How to decide whether to continue the relationship or end it
- The importance of healing shame caused by childhood neglect and abuse
- How self-compassion can help heal both victims of emotional abuse and the abusers themselves
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship is essential for those involved in unhealthy relationships or who have loved ones trapped in an emotionally abusive situation. Therapist recommended, this book is also a must-read resource for students of psychotherapy.
Table of Contents:
Acknowledgments xi
About the Author xiii
Introduction to Second Edition xv
Part One Identifying and Understanding Emotional Abuse
Chapter 1 Emotional Abuse— The Destroyer of Relationships 3
What Is Emotional Abuse? 6
How Emotional Abuse Does Damage 7
Determining Whether You Are Being Emotionally Abusive 10
No Monsters Here 12
Ending Emotional Abuse 15
Chapter 2 Patterns of Abuse 17
Domination 19
Verbal Assaults 20
Constant Criticism/Continual Blaming 21
Abusive Expectations 22
Emotional Blackmail 22
Unpredictable Responses 24
Constant Chaos/Creating Crisis 25
Character Assassination 25
Gaslighting 26
Sexual Harassment 27
Clear and Consistent Patterns 28
Overt and Covert Abuse 28
Intentional and Unintentional Abuse 29
Chapter 3 Not All Emotionally Abusive Relationships Are Alike 33
The Seven Types of Emotionally Abusive Relationships 35
Part Two Healing Your Childhood and Your Unhealthy Patterns
Chapter 4 Patterns That Begin in Childhood: Why We Abuse and Why We Take It 47
The Repetition Compulsion 50
The Core of the Compulsion— An Abusive Childhood 53
Abusive Styles of Parenting 55
The Power of Unfinished Business 58
Your Original Abuser 59
Another Pattern: Victim or Abuser? 60
Anger In, Anger Out—Male and Female Patterns 61
How Shame Affects Victims of Abuse 62
Chapter 5 Complete Your Unfinished Business (For Both Victims and Abusers) 65
1. Admit the Fact That You Were the Victim of Abuse or Neglect 67
2. Acknowledge to Yourself That You Have Unexpressed Feelings of Anger, Pain, Fear, and Shame Because of Your Childhood Experiences of Neglect, Abandonment, or Abuse 73
3. Allow Yourself to Feel and Express Your Emotions Connected to the Neglect or Abuse You Experienced 75
4. Find Safe, Constructive Ways of Releasing or Expressing These Feelings 77
5. Confront Your Abuser(s) (Indirectly Preferred) 79
6. Resolve Your Relationship With Your Original Abuser(s) (Set Boundaries, Temporary or Permanent Separation, Forgive) 80
Chapter 6 Healing Your Shame with Self- Compassion 81
The Cure for Shame: Self-Compassion 86
Repeating the Cycle of Abuse 92
Part Three Stopping the Abuse
Chapter 7 Action Steps for Those Being Abused 99
The Program 103
Specific Advice and Strategies 121
Chapter 8 Action Steps for the Abusive Partner 123
The Program 126
Chapter 9 Action Steps for the Abusive Couple 147
Stop Blaming Each Other 150
The Program 152
Chapter 10 When Your Partner Has a Personality Disorder 161
Determining Whether Your Partner Suffers from BPD 164
Twin Fears— Abandonment and Engulfment 166
Strategies to Help You Cope and to Stop the Emotional Abuse 168
Determining Whether Your Partner Suffers from NPD 171
Strategies to Help You Cope and Stop the Emotional Abuse 174
Should You Tell Your Partner that You Suspect They Have a Personality Disorder? 177
When You Both Suffer from a Personality Disorder 178
Chapter 11 When Your Abusiveness Stems from Your Personality Disorder 179
Do You Suffer from BPD? 182
How BPD Can Lead to Emotionally Abusive Behavior 183
How You Can Begin to Change Your Emotionally Abusive Behavior 186
Strategies for Specific Borderline Behaviors 191
Do You Suffer from NPD? 191
How NPD Leads to Abusive Behavior 193
How You Can Begin to Change Your Emotionally Abusive Behavior 194
My Personal Program for Overcoming Narcissistic Tendencies 196
Part Four Where Do You Go from Here?
Chapter 12 Should You Stay or Should You Leave? 201
Strong Reasons to Stay 203
You May Still Need to Leave 205
Strong Reasons to Leave 205
When You Definitely Need to Leave 206
When You Are Resisting Leaving 209
Trust and Forgiveness 209
Chapter 13 Preventing Emotional Abuse in the Future 211
For the Abused Partner 213
For the Abusive Partner— Catch Yourself in the Act 217
For Both Partners 218
Chapter 14 Continuing to Recover 221
True Power Comes from Knowing You Have Choices 223
Key Issues for Victims and Abusers 224
Specific Strategies for the Abused Partner 228
Recovery for the Abusive Partner 230
For Both Partners— Finding the Right Therapist 232
Treatment for BPD and NPD 233
Be Realistic about Your Partner Changing 234
Epilogue 235
References 237
Further Reading 239
Index 243
