Relationships everywhere are in crisis due to our inability to talk about "difference" without polarizing. Since objection to difference is the core human problem, we need a skill that helps us connect beyond difference. That's just what New York Times bestselling authors Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt offer in their new book: How To Talk With Anyone About Anything. They call it the Safe Conversations Dialogue process, which everyone can learn and teach, that moves all relationships from danger to safety, making connecting possible.
For centuries, most of us humans have talked to others in monologues, believing that the world is the way we see it, that what we say about it is the "truth" and we have assumed that everyone sees it "our" way. If they do not, we experience tension and conflict on many levels. On the other hand, few of us have ever listened to others while they are talking and tried to see the world from their point of view while retaining our own perspective. Instead of listening to understand and collaborate about our differences, we tend to replace their perspective with our own. This results in polarization, not only in our personal lives and work environments, but also in the political and religious arenas we inhabit. This has led to anxiety, frustration, anger, violence, and war. Clearly, the world needs a new way to talk that transcends difference and leads to collaboration, co-creation, and cooperation.
Getting the Love You Want, teach that the practice of Safe Conversations Dialogue impacts the "physics of the Space Between." Here is what they mean:
- All of us live in and are a part of an energy field in which everything everywhere is connecting with everything everywhere. This energy field occupies the Space-Between us.
- When there is safety in the energy field that occupies the Space-Between us, we can connect.
- When there is anxiety in the Space Between, we defend ourselves. We cannot connect but tend to polarize.
- Anyone, if they decide to, can restore safety in the Space Between by using a structure conversation skill called the Safe Conversations Dialogue.
In How to Talk with Anyone about Anything, Harville and Helen share the wisdom of the Safe Conversations process and the four structured and teachable skills that create safety and connection:
- Dialogue: Dialogue is two or more people taking turns talking and listening. Monologue is one person talking and expecting everyone else to listen. When two or more people shift from Monologue to Dialogue, they can transform any relationship from conflict to safety, connection and collaboration.
- Zero Negativity: Negativity disrupts safety and is non-negotiable for safe and thriving relationships. When Dialogue is practiced with Zero Negativity, criticism about what one does not have is replaced with a positive request for what one wants. This transforms conflict into safety and connecting.
- Empathy: Empathy is the capacity to experience or imagine how another person has gone through life. When Dialogue is practiced with empathy, one can more easily accept the different perspective of another person and maintain one's own perspective without polarizing.
- Affirmation: Affirmation is valuing another person because they exist rather than for what they have done for you. When Dialogue includes affirmation, the other person experiences themselves as human rather than as an "object" that is valued because of what they do.
How to Talk with Anyone about Anything offers the keys to unlocking your ability to connect with others in a new and profoundly different way. And, as more of us hone that ability, together, we can bring about a fundamental shift in society away from our current focus on the "self" and polarization about difference towards safety and true connection that includes total personal freedom, universal equality, radical inclusion, and celebration of diversity--a society in which we all collaborate with each other without surrendering our differences, co-create with each other about new solutions and cooperate with other to put them into practice. Then we will all live in the world of our dreams.
